Who we are

Here at Fireproof Curtains Emporium Unlimited, we’re just like you:

After years exclusively selling Dead Fake Pigs, we were shut down in 2025 by force…a violent raid led by the deep state forced our entire family to abandon our beloved home. In a blind rage, we packed up our van and headed to a Motel in Bozeman, Montana, where we attempted to soothe our angers by lighting the curtains ablaze. When hotel management demanded we replace the curtains at retail, we knew there had to be a solution for families like ours.

Each of our Fireproof Curtains comes with our two point guarantee:

  1. Our curtains are Fireproof.

  2. Our curtains are Curtains.

#LET THE FLAMES BEGIN!

Contact us

Interested in burning some shit but not having to clean said shit up?

Fill out some info and we will be in touch shortly. We can’t wait to hear from you!